Sleep Deprivation and Gas

When you are preparing for your first child you get lots of advice from every corner of the spectrum. Veteran parents, relatives, that drinking buddy that thinks children are evil. All of them tell you things to get ready for, things to prepare and things that make no sense at all. And the universal bit of information that is passed down by everyone is...get ready to be exhausted like you have never been before.

Well to that last bit of info, I have one thing to say, "HOLY CRAP YOU ARE RIGHT!"

I have always been able to function on little sleep. When I would work the 5am shift, I went to bed at 11pm or even midnight, woke up around 3:45am and left for work around 4:15am. Four to five hours of sleep a night was no problem. If I was tired when I got home from work I would take a power nap. So I thought that I might be, if even a little bit, prepared for the first few months of parenthood. At least in the realm of sleeping. Boy was I wrong! In just two short weeks, I think I may have slept for a combined thirty minutes. Seriously. I feel like an involuntary insomniac being held at gun point to stay awake. That or I am in Navy SEAL training and this is hell week. Only hell week has lasted two weeks.

And I shouldn't even be complaining. I am not the one that has to wake up every two hours to have a small child latch onto one of the most sensitive parts of my body and suck on it like he is trying to pull a bowling ball through a straw. That would be Annie's job. She has the right to be complaining or say she is tired. I am just a whiny new dad that should be grateful that he is safe from the human boob vacuum.

Side note... I am not comparing my two weeks with Oliver as hell or that he is anything less than an angel. He is amazing. He is beautiful. He has reinvented my life. Seriously, this post may sound like I am hating being a parent. That could not be further from the truth. I have loved every second of Oliver's life. He is everything to me. This post is simply a funny way for me to talk about the little details about parenthood. For if you cannot have a sense of humor about sleep deprivation, what can you have a sense of humor about? Gas? Cause Oliver has a LOT of gas. (Which is half the reason that he stays awake all night long.) My little Oliver is a grunter. All night long he lies in his bassinet, grunting, like a caveman trying to mark his territory. Grunt, grunt, grunt, cry, grunt, whimper, fart, grunt, cry, fart, faaaart, moan. That is our nightly orchestra. It is really cute and amusing for a little while. The you realize it is Wednesday and you haven't slept since October. Does that even make sense? Of course not! I haven't slept in three days! In my head right now, I am typing on a wet noodle and the computer screen is a walrus. Seriously. My computer screen is the walrus. Koo Koo Kachoo.

So to anyone that has gone through this newborn babydom before, I finally understand. I have been hazed. I have been baptized in the lake of deprivation. Can I get an amen? Or a pillow? Please? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Oh wait, time to change ANOTHER diaper......